Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Why #18: Car Door Denters

*Why #18 is brought to you by the amazingly wonderful Guest Blogger Jeanne*

Why do people park so close to you and then slam their car doors into your car? Is there a rhyme or a reason? Or are people too lazy and un-observant to see that your car, the one that you pay tons of money for, is sitting right there? Not only is this happening all over, it is happening when you park your car FAR away so this doesn't happen, and then that one person parks next to you in a lot that has a MILLION other spaces and still hits your door.
I mean is respect something of the past. If so watch out here comes my door!

***Jeanne, I found this website that sells Car Door Defenders (see the black bumpers attached to the silver car). Sure you would be the weirdo who drives around with bumpers on your car, but at least the doors would be ding free! Thanks for Guest Blogging!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Why #17: UPDATE*

I LOVE Miranda Lambert and am getting very nervous that this summer may not involve seeing her in concert. I was looking up tour dates and came across a show she is doing at a fair in Northern Ohio. It is on a weeknight, it is super far away, but it is GOING to happen based on this post on the ticket website...

7:30 p.m.
Historically, the audience stands during Miranda Lambert concerts.

Please keep this in mind when making seat selections.


Saturday, June 6, 2009

Why #17: Lame Concert Crowds


Why are some people that go to concerts so lame? And not only lame, but nasty and bossy and absolutely convinced that NO ONE should be standing, dancing, or singing along?

In my opinion each and every person should be boot-stomping their music loving hearts out. I have been to far too many concerts surrounded by seated silent types. Are they even enjoying the music? I doubt it, because the minute you stand up to feel the rhythm of the beat, these people are tapping me on the shoulder and telling me to sit down because they can't see. Well too bad lazy pants. You and I paid the same for our ticket, if you want to see you can stand up behind me. Try it, you might actually have a little fun at this concert.

This is a problem that I face with each summer music season. And you really can't win. If you get lawn tickets you know everyone will be standing and dancing. But they will also be super drunk, peeing on your boots, and having drunken screaming fights with their boyfriend during Tim McGraw's "Letters to Home." If you get super expensive tickets in the front of the arena you will be seated with rich families who probably got the tickets through their dad's work. The kids might know the 2 most popular radio songs, the dad won't know any, and the mom will just be a b. Let me tell you, these people will not be standing, despite the fact that Kenny Chesney is mere feet in front of them. And they will NOT appreciate when you get bumped by the drunk cowboy behind you and accidentally spill some beer on the mom's Prada purse during "Poets and Pirates."

So what's a cowgirl to do? Get there early, establish a strict STANDING ONLY policy, and throw death glares at anyone who even mutters the words can't see or sit down.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Why #16: Facebook


Why is facebook so... fake?

Sure, facebook is great if life is going well. You just got engaged? You will be congratulated by the kid that set next to you in High School Chem lab. Promotion at work? Cheers to you from the guy that dated that girl that you kind of knew in college. But when the going is rough you had better not even think to mention it on fbook. The slightest sign of a bad day, depression, or broken heart and you are sure to receive a million posts checking in to make sure you are okay. Now remember the people checking in are all probably people you haven't actually spoken to or seen in at least 5-10 years. But still, they really care. And if this if what cheers you up, then just go right along posting on your wall about your bad hair day.

But what I would really like is a Lifebook. A place I could post a comment about a new hideously depressing song lyric I can't get out of my head ("you don't have to drag me down, i descend.") or some really morbid thought of the day. And instead of getting a cheery response to let me know they LUV me or I should try to LOL today, maybe people could write back with their own favorite depression song.

The thing is, your real friends know you. I am pretty sure if Em or MA* saw a status like "Lindsey is watching "A Walk to Remember" with a bottle of red and a box of razor blades" they would know that I was not seriously depressed, just seriously in need of a night wallowing in a little sadness. But you can't put that kind of stuff on fbook. The next thing I know my aunts, cousins, and godmother (how did this happen, why are my family members on fbook?) would all be calling a hotline and signing me up for counseling.

So I guess the story is, on Facebook I put my best self forward. Lindsey is shopping/boot-stomping/loving life. And on my blog, I am putting my whole self forward.

Lindsey is shopping (new sephora purchase she can't afford/boot-stomping (keith urban fri and shawn colvin sat (sunny came home ))/loving life(but missing miss sugar bean something awful).

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Why #15: Only WOMEN Eat Yogurt???


Why do yogurt commercials only show skinny young women eating yogurt?

If I have to watch one more yogurt commercial with a woman sitting around in her perfectly matching cotton twin-set p. jammers eating yogurt as if it is the best thing she has ever tasted I will scream... or just blog about it. Listen up Yoplait and Dannon, all kinds of people eat yogurt. Men, children, women with a few pounds to lose. I'll let you in on a little secret, you've already got the women convinced. Women are buying tiny sized yogurt cups and convincing themselves it is the same as eating a piece of Boston Creme Pie. You've got your market cornered.

So why not do some commercials playing to the interests of your other customers. Men in construction worker uniforms taking a yogurt break. Men in business suits fighting over the last vanilla low-fat yogurt in the office fridge. Women with a few to lose choosing to eat the yogurt cup rather than the Wendy's drive-thru menu for lunch.

All I'm saying is I really do love yogurt. It is delicious and nutritious. But if I have to watch one more commercial like this... I might just never buy another yogurt again.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Why #14: Healthcare for ONE


Why doesn't my healthcare plan cover me for special "singles" services?

Last week I was stricken with a horrible flu. I actually think I might be a swine survivor, but I'll leave that post for another day. Anyway, I was horribly ill. Nausea, chills, aches, pains. You know, the flu. I was sick, miserable and lacked any amount of energy. I love Miss Sugar Bean, but she can't exactly run down to the corner and pick up some OJ and saltines. So, why doesn't my healthcare plan offer some special services for single people?

I'm not asking for much. Really just an errand boy. Some hotline that I could call up, request a delivery of Tylenol Flu, popsicles and 30 Rock Season 2 on dvd. Or, if things got really bad, someone to drive me to the doctor or Urgent Care. I've seen the price points, the rates for health insurance for a single vs. a family are not that significant. I pay out each month to my health insurance, and then when I get sick, I have no way of actually getting to the doctor. Just doesn't seem right to me. The family plan covers Mom, Dad and the kids. I'm sure the average family makes multiple trips a year to the ol' MD. I'm paying almost the same amount and the closest I come to the doctor is watching ER repeats. Sure I can call friends and family and ask for their help, but why should I have to when I am paying Anthem a big chunk of my paycheck to take care of my healthcare needs?

So what if my needs boil down to a box of popsicles when the flu hits? What's the deductible on that?

Monday, April 13, 2009

Why #12: Supreme Master TV


Why is Supreme Master TV a major component of Cincinnati's latest vegan restaurant?

Don't vegans get a bad enough wrap as it is? What do you mean you don't eat meat, cheese, eggs??? So, what you're like a vegetarian then? A vegan? A what???

One of my favorite vegans, Matthew, is constantly answering these questions. And in a city like Cincinnati, his vegan food options are seriously limited. So imagine our delight when we heard about a new vegan restaurant in Pleasant Ridge. I quickly organized a double "date" with the ever less-meat-eating Emily and Casey for this "good" Friday (aka: a day all 4 of us didn't have to work, woohoo!). We planned to meet at the newly opened Loving Cafe for a little vegan lunch.

The first sign of trouble was a HUGE framed picture of the Supreme Master (see photo above) super-imposed into some sort of zen garden of Wizard of Oz like technicolor dimensions. Creeeepy.

But this I could get past, the food looked amazing. After being told I was getting a real treat by getting to drink out of a compost straw (basically like sucking through a soggy cardboard box) I started to get a little more nervous.

We made our way into the main dining area to await our food. And here we were greeted by a massive TV playing, you guessed it, Supreme TV. In a place devoted to veganism, environmentalism and zen-like tranquility, I was a bit surprised to discover I was meant to enjoy my meal with a background booming with the sounds and sights (all terrifying) of Supreme TV. We couldn't figure out what message the Supreme Master TV was trying to tell us. There were some scenes with an airplane, busy city streets, and what looked like a washed-up American newscaster speaking to us in closed captioning. Seriously, beyond frightening.

The food was delicious. Perhaps the result of being blessed by the Supreme Master? But of course this leads me to ask why. Why can't a nice vegan restaurant open in Cincinnati? A place with great food and an atmosphere that doesn't make me think... the Master is watching...

You better believe we spent at least 10 minutes making sure we properly recycled/composted/environmentally discarded our dishes at the end of the meal. If you are looking for a nice vegan meal OR an alternative spiritual awareness, Loving Cafe is the place for you.

...And I am sleeping with one eye open tonight.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Why #11: Copycat Shoppers


Why are some people copycat shoppers?

Friday night I was doing the mega-shop for Emily's bridal shower. This involved several hours of me wandering each and every aisle of Kroger in search of unusual food products. My normal grocery list involves a quick stop in the cracker aisle for low-fat wheat thins, a twirl through produce for fruit and veggies (which i always over buy and end up throwing away), a dash into wine for a bottle of yellowtail and depending on how bad the day was, a possible foray into the CHEESE section. So, I was really discovering some new areas of Kroger. The Latino food section (a pointless search for passion fruit nectar); the specialized cheese area (I actually had to TALK to a lady in the white paper suit); and the frozen pastry aisle (who knew you could buy pre-made mini phyllo cups?).

Not only was I discovering new foods, I was also discovering a new horrid shopping habit. The copycat shopper.

It was around the frozen pastry that I encountered my first copycat shopper. As I stood in front of the various frozen food products I was deep in concentration. What would make the best mini fruit tart for Bride-to-be Emily? It was at this point I realized a woman was hovering over my shoulder. How is it possible that someone else was also in need of these frozen delicacies. Well, it turns out she wasn't. She just wanted to know what I was looking at. I moved aside to let her grab what it seemed she so urgently needed. She just stood there and then walked away. Umm, annoying!

I moved on to the next aisle. Just indulging my curiosity in the available frozen appetizers. Same thing happened. An insane hoverer who didn't actually want anything. So then I moved on to veggie dips. And once again got hit by a crazy old lady all up in my dip business. I stifled my rage and tried to figure out what was wrong with these people. And I think I've got it. It is like when people drive past a train wreck and have to stop and look. I think when I show interest in something (and believe me people I was looking very interested) the other shoppers wanted to know what I thought was so captivating.

Next time you are shopping see if it happens to you.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Why #10: P.F. Chang's Special Sauce


Why is P.F. Chang's still carrying on with this sauce charade?

If you aren't familiar with the sauce, let me explain. When you arrive at PF's your waiter is required to mix up a "special" sauce for you. I've been there dozens of times and I'm not really sure what the sauces even are. There are 3 kinds of gooey sauces in the little white bowls (mustard? soy? something red and probably spicy?) and then there are 3 bottles of sauces; again have no idea what they are (vinegar? more soy? another unidentified red product?). The waiter asks if you want mild, medium or hot. One person at the table is awkwardly forced to answer (even though we ALL know no one is actually going to be using this sauce). And then the waiter mixes a little bit of the 3 gooey sauces together and voila, culinary delight!

Except it isn't a delight. It is a waste. If someone wants the sauce, they can mix their own. According to their own taste, not the taste of whoever actually answered the waiter.

Is it part of the interview process? Along with the ability to carry a fully loaded tray of Moo Goo Gai Pan and Beef and Broccoli, do you need to be a sauce mixing master???

And what do they do with all the leftover sauce? Is each little (untouched) bowl thrown away after the meal? Do they re-use the bowls that don't contain the specially mixed sauce?

So I'm taking a stand. Next time I go to PF's I am going to refuse the special sauce. I just hope the waiter doesn't spit in my sauce-less entree.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Why #9: Sandwich "Artists"


Why do the people at Subway have such distorted views on what "a little of that" or "a lot of those" actually means?

As you can tell from the picture (taken at Run Like Hell 5k in 10/07) I LOVE me some mustard. But let me stress the "some", this is a condiment that requires serious portion control. Too much of the must and the finest; ballpark dog/movie theater softie pretzel/ 6 inch sub becomes inedible.

It seems the more you specify how MUCH of something you want the more or less of it you are going to receive. I told the sandwich "artist" at my local Subway that I would like a LOT of pickles. He generously gave me 3 tiny pickle sliced bits. What the what? Then I told him I wanted a leeeetle mustard. He poured (seriously it was gushing from the bottle) at least a quarter of a cup of yellow flavor over-empowerment on my now ruined sub.

Ask for what you want and... you won't get it? So how can we proceed? What is the best course of action for getting what you want? If what you want is an over-pickled, under-mustarded sandwich do you have to order no pickles and a flood of mustard? Is every day opposite day at the Subway station?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Why #8: Running Dysfunction


Why did I ever stop running?

After the Chicago marathon (awful heat, hours on the course, months of marathon training) I was wiped. I took off my Sauconys and was rarely motivated to put them back on. Now it is months later and I'm BACK! With very little nudging from Emily I entered a lottery for the Nike Women's Marathon in San Fran in October. Hoping against hope that we are selected to participate in the marathon, but even if we aren't it is still time to start getting serious about running.

With each huff and puff of a 3 mile run (when did this get so difficult?) I hate myself for being such a running slacker the last few months. But I also feel good about myself as I push through and especially when I finish a run. It is still early days, but I feel confident that me and running are going to get along just fine.

"It's a long shot and I say why not.
If I say forget it, I know that I'll regret it." -KC

Friday, March 20, 2009

Why #7: Betsey Breakdown


Why do bad things happen to beautiful purses?

I purchased this gorgeous gem on February 16. Immediately fell in love with this quilted black bag with gold bow adornments. The bag became my constant companion. Imagine my joy, when packing for Florida I realized this bag had it all, it was big enough to be both purse AND carry-on (ie. holder of my normal slew of purse necessities as well as 1 book (in case people watching gets boring), 1 magazine (for in-flight entertainment) and 1 snack (gummies are my go-to travel snack). Me and bag made it safely to Florida to bask in the sunny rays of Orlando. Normally I wouldn't consider carrying a black bag in Florida, but my love was so great, I could not be separated from bag. And on Day #2 the horror of horrors was discovered. Bag was very badly injured. The braided handle had come undone. So unsightly and so wrong.

MA* was by my side to talk me down from the ledge, but I felt panic rising. MA* wisely pointed out that any leathersmith (apparently these still exist) could fix the handle. But it was too late, it would be like the couple you KNOW is going to get divorced trying a couples counselor first. What we had together was broken. So with a heavy heart I contacted the Betsey Johnson customer support center. My hope against hope was that they would send me a new bag (one that had not broken, and broken my heart). But my fear was real, what if there is only one great love (bag) for all of us (and I happen to know I got the LAST bag available online). How could something that started with such promise, end after just a few weeks? And like an errant lover, the Betsey people emailed me back and told me to call them. Already giving me the run-around? So I called them, they told me they needed to speak with CORPORATE (perhaps Betsey herself?) before they could approve a return or exchange, and that they would call me back TODAY.

So tonight I wait by the phone, hoping to get a call, but deep down knowing that I broke the RULES... you should wait more than 3 weeks to take a new purse or a new boy on vacation with you.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Why #6: Cincinnati Concert Schedule


Why are no good concerts coming to Cincinnati this summer?

Is it because artists don't want to deal with Riverbend and all the mud, drunk teens, Roman statues (why Riverbend. why?) and occasional river stench?

Surely those things are par for the course at most concert venues (well probably not those weird statues).

But something must be up, even artists who have sold out shows for years aren't coming to Rbend this summer (please Kenny, come back to us!).

So it looks like the Bootscootin' Babes will have to pack up our mid-size sedans (oh how I wish I owned a pick-up) and travel to and fro to get our country music fix.

Hopefully next summer will bring us back to the mud, drunk teens, and Rome inspired decor of the Riverbend lawn.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Why #5: Wardrobe Malfunctions


Why do you never realize how fatally flawed your outfit is until you step out in public?

I've spent many a morning in my apartment, running around for 20,30, 40 minutes in an outfit that seems to fit well and look professional.

I walk to my car, I drive to work and the minute I exit my car in the parking lot I realize I've got a major wardrobe malfunction... the pants are too tight, the unders are creeping, the shirt is transparent (and I'm wearing a neon pink bra).

Why don't I notice these things BEFORE starting my 8 hour work day in a very public setting. There is no hiding behind an office door or remaining in my desk chair (to keep people from seeing the gaping hole in the back pocket of my khakis, oops!). I am up and about and underneath the brutal glow of fluorescent lighting all day. And the mistakes I unknowingly made when getting dressed in the comfort of my apartment are tragically on display for all to see. Hopefully next time I'll remember to look in the mirror before spending the day having people look at my vpl.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Why #4: Anonymous Blog Comments


Why do people post anonymous blog comments?

Show yourselves, reveal your identity, let me know who you are! I'm not saying that I don't appreciate you secretive readers and your comments, I'm just saying that the know-it-all in me needs to know it all, like who is reading and writing on my blog.

Please save me hours of wondering, "who wrote that" and say your name, say your name.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Why #3: The Karate Kid


Why is the Karate Kid being remade with Will Smith's son Jaden Smith as Daniel-san?

Is no movie sacred? Am I meant to accept the fact that I am so old the original version of something is no longer good enough for today's youth.

They've already "modernized" Strawberry Shortcake (a crime), they've re-created 90210 (I will admit I am a fan), but seriously when will this stop?

I am all about embracing the best of our past, but can't these things be embraced without changing them, or at least without the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air's son being involved?

"Yo, homes smell ya later!"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Why #2: The Roots


Why are The Roots the new cover band on Jimmy Fallon's late night talk show? Am I so old that the band that once encouraged me to smoke is now encouraging me to stay awake past 1 in the morning?

Are there other generations out there screaming out because Kevin Eubanks (The Tonight Show with Jay Leno) and Paul Shaffer (Late Show with Dave Letterman) were once bong hitting muscial inspirations to the youth of their time?

Monday, March 2, 2009

Why #1: String Cheese


Why does the Sargento string cheese commercial show the girl BITING into the STRING cheese?

Isn't the entire point of string cheese the stringiness factor?

If I want a cheese cube, I'll get a cheese cube.

This makes me question the entire validity of the Sargento company and when I am standing in the store with a $$$6.00 bag of string cheese in my hand I will be sure NOT to give my dollars to "bite into me like a sausage link" Sargento.